Love Letter 6

This was written around April of this year.  I still mean all of this.

raptus collage glow with three different groups stage

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Today we exhaled and I cried

tearful emoji“the force of arguments is always better than the argument of force.” Donald Tusk

 

Today I passed the area where my summer was identified and reminisced until I cried. So many things lost.  So many people gone.  So many misunderstandings.  So much self.  I missed them all.  Since January 1st. I kept saying that this year would be the year of me.  Everyone else decided the same.  2017=10=1

1 being the only number.  The number that involves only you and asks that you take care of you.  I cried.  So many beautiful memories I had to put into a box.  A box which rejecting every offering.  It is neither here nor there.  It is now.  I shall cry until the memories fade.

Later on that day we were given an intermission from the show entitled: “Independence and Other Distractions”  In the last few days I have seen nationalism and cruelty at it’s ugliest and at its most beautiful.  As I predicted a while ago, some would be physically  and emotionally hurt.  The leaders came out in full regalia of a beautiful parade and proved Andy Warhol wrong.  You can be famous for longer than 15 minutes as long as you have a name that is difficult to pronounce in every other language than your own.

 

Part of the address by President Donald Tusk to the European Committee of the Regions

 

“Before you start the debate, allow me – at this extraordinary time for Catalonia and the whole of Spain – to address in your presence the President of the Generalitat de Catalunya, Mr Carles Puigdemont, shortly before his speech. I appeal to you not only as the President of the European Council, but also as a strong believer in the motto of the EU: “United in diversity”, as a member of an ethnic minority and a regionalist, as a man who knows what it feels like to be hit by a police baton. And as a former prime minister of a big European country. In brief, as someone who understands and feels the arguments and emotions of all sides.

A few days ago, I asked Prime Minister Rajoy to look for a solution to the problem without the use of force. To look for dialogue. Because the force of arguments is always better than the argument of force. Today I ask you to respect – in your intentions – the constitutional order and not to announce a decision that would make such a dialogue impossible. Diversity should not, and need not, lead to conflict, whose consequences would obviously be bad: for the Catalans, for Spain and for the whole of Europe. Let us always look for what unites us, and not for what divides us. This is what will decide the future of our continent.”

bad relationship

shattering vase on white JE head with head Dispersion.png“I am imagining myself involved in a relationship.  For some reason the long years I have been in this relationship have begun to take its toll on me.  I see myself as selfish in this relationship and begin to hate what I have done.  I am brought back to the many times I belittled the other one.  Look, I can’t even give this person their props.  My partner has unfortunately suffered greatly throughout this twisted marriage and I have been the cause of the suffering.  I don’t know why it is today I finally begin to see the error of my ways.  I was so insecure that my unintelligent mind, my limp muscles. my sagging mustache, my low bank balance made me use this person at my will to make myself seem more important when this suffering fool somehow managed to prosper and keep their mustache trimmed, their muscles tight and taut , their bank balance high to the point of buying the bank, etc…

My God I am a slave owner.  That is what I have been all this time.  I have done all that I could do to make my partner feel small and every time I saw them getting stronger from the inside.  I am afraid.  I am afraid that I have created a beautiful monster.  I am on the edge of stress right now.  I feel like I cannot turn my back to my partner.  How could I force them to be in a relationship that they have never agreed to.  If the destiny of the world lies on my head then I have not done a good job of evolving.  Back in the day my anscestors were learning like parents when they become first time parents.  But unlike parents I see that my ancestors have not properly followed the flow of evolution.  We have been selfish.  We have thought about ourselves only and our needs while our slaves served our insecurities.  I am at a loss, I wish I could take back all those years of pain and suffering that I have inflicted on  my partner and their ancestors before them.  I am amazed that they have been able to grow at this stifling and stunting pace.

How can I keep an unwilling partner in a relationship that they don’t want to be in?  My show of love has been masked heavily in awful little passive aggressive acts of condescension.  Reparations cannot even begin to make up for what I and my ancestors have done.  Therapy for the both of us is a necessity now.  Talk and forgiveness should be paramount.  I need to get on my knees and beg forgiveness from my partner and pray that they will allow me to be their equal and we can start healing together.”

This is not me talking.  I was on my bike daydreaming asking myself:  “What if the leaders of the world were to recite these words?  Everyone of them!  I asked myself is there really anyone out there who really loves the law?  Someone out there who respects the law and does not use it to their own benefit.  Laws were made by the winners of wars and what the winners wanted they enforced.  Now I feel that we have become more mature and more aware of our feelings so we need to adjust the laws to fit our supposed peaceful ways.  Talk is paramount.

What a day! What a day!

When is a hill a mountain? Or is this the beginning?

 

It’s Ominous! As the protesters got louder so did the helicopters. It is absolutely scary what is happening here but again after seeing the large amount of young protesters I wanted join in and felt hopeful for them. The young always bring hope. Please no more hurting. I have been in this country for 18 years now. 17 of them in Catalonia. I need to go and join the march

I sat on the gran via for a bit and watched as the exodus of Catalans walked in one direction. Fearless, defiant and peaceful.

Ok time to get back into hiding. I just witnessed a passionate fistful argument between a Catalan and a Spaniard.IMG_0294

I saw a naked homeless person today. I wonder if he knows that it is illegal to be naked on the streets. Does he care? So many questions. No answers like the current situation in Barcelona. Apparently businesses are packing and leaving. I don’t know, I see that as a good thing. It’s been more than 4 months since I’ve been back and I still haven’t found a place to live. Maybe these horrific housing prices will return to what we knew and loved. I am straying. Back to the finger pointers and non solution finders. Ummm, That homeless man. Do you know how many homeless people are in Barcelona at the moment.{3000 as of 2015 Homelessness up 6 percent in Barcelona in 2015, with as many as 900 sleeping on streets every nigh}.  I imagine that the amount in Madrid to be much more. I wonder if the president of the Generalitat and Rajoy see that. Somehow I don’t think so. So much of what we are witnessing these days are inventions to keep us from talking about the facts. Yes so many have physically suffered during these incredible days and so
Many more will but in actuality, SO MANY MORE ARE CURRENTLY SUFFERING ECONOMICALLY which means they are suffering mentally and that would lead to a physical pain at one point. Just my silly opinion. I am no one and I don’t agree with borders.barcelona protests and strikes

more protests barcelona,

protest and helicopters,

What a crowd!!

One of the mobilized crowds protesting 1!!!!,

 

An angel came dressed in tatters and limping today.

smiling face on a beautiful sunsetwtmk

 

Janet walked by the newsstand as she always does at this time, she salutes the old woman walking with a cane begging as she always does.  This time something felt strange.  The old woman did not acknowledged her “Hello mrs. Sanchez”. Instead she took a deep breath and signaled for Janet to come to her.  Janet thought “What have I done?”

Somehow Mrs Sanchez sensed what Janet was thinking because she said to her;  “You’ve done nothing wrong dear.  You’ve been looking at me now for years and for some reason a few days ago I decided to observe you.  You are depressed.”  Janet was beginning to feel hurt as nowadays a fly in her vicinity would make her cry.  Mrs. Sanchez said:  “Don’t.  You’re wasting sentiment and tears.”  Janet’s breath slowed down as her anxiety slowly dissipated.  She said to herself  that this was no chance meeting and decided she had better listen to this person she had pitied all this time.  It seemed to Janet that the roles had been switched.  Now she felt like the pitiful one.

“Friend’s are scarce I believe. That’s what they do.  When you become needy they disappear.  They do that for a reason.  For you to learn to make yourself stronger and to survive.  Don’t allow yourself to go down this route.  It’s like living death.  Nourish yourself with what you love and who you love.  Oh I see I’ve said the wrong thing.  We were not born on this earth to be connected to someone.  Nor should we punish ourselves for being alone.  Love yourself.  It is the best thing you could do.”

Janet broke in with “Thank you.  You are so right.”  A defense mechanism she used when she felt uncomfortable. Agreeing with the other person in hopes of shutting them up.  

 Mrs. Sanchez broke in with:  “I’m not finished.  It looks like nothing excites you anymore.  Change that.  You are still alive.  Take advantage of it.  You look like you could still do some great things in your life.  You are not taking care of yourself.  Get yourself some help.  Get someone objective to help you open the door so that you can go through it.  Life is waiting for you.  If it rains stick your face out and get it wet, if the sun is shining feel its rays.  If it’s night outside allow yourself to be free and happy in the dark.  You are worth more than you are giving yourself.  Stop looking at life.  Observe it!”  Janet was agape for many seconds and Mrs.  Sanchez said.  “By the way my name is MariaCarmen.  Please call me that from now on.” and she smiled.  It was not a lovely smile as those teeth had seen better days but it was a lovely smile as her face beamed.  

 

Difference between see, look and observe.

just birds smiling face on a beautiful sunsetwtmkAuthor: Swati Sarnobat

[These words sound similar but can be distinguished from each other. Although these three words show a common function of utilizing of the sense organ ‘eye’, they are still different from each other. 
The word ‘see’ means merely capturing the sight of the object. When any object is captured by your sight it means you have ‘seen’ the object. Whether you pay attention to the object or not; but you have ‘seen’ the object.
But when you look at the object you have ‘seen’ the object and also sensed a feeling about the object. For eg. if you ‘look’ at the sky you have not only captured with your sight but you are delighted by the blueness of the sky. When your sight is accompanied by a sense of feeling towards the object you have ‘looked at the object.
But ‘observation’ has a deeper meaning. It means the outcome derived by capturing a sight of a object. when you ‘look’ at the sky you are delighted by the blueness but also you have observed the clouds that are surrounded nearby and also come to a conclusion that the sky has no boundary. When you make use of your mind along with the feeling you sense; it means you have observed the object.]

Dumped and Dissing It!

Dumped and Dissing It!

Cast: You{dressed in light blue and unwilling to clash with others}

           Alter-ego{dressed in red and very in your face, combative}

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Tonight I was dumped like a bad bowel movement that had enough wind behind it to  launch a rocket to space.  I realize the unimportance of the event and how unnecessary this person was in my life but I also realize the importance of a pattern here.  Unfortunately I am not one to say

You:  “This person is not good enough for me.”

or,

Alter-ego:  “I could do better.” 

I have always had the stupid idea that every one teaches you something.  The chance meetings which happen in my life are for a reason.  I have doomed myself to constant disappointment because I have always said that “Great expectation leads to great disappointment.”  I should listen to myself more.  Because I am looking at every corner for an epiphany and have given humans too much power and believe that they will have something to give me to make me a better person, I am greatly expecting an evolution and setting myself up to feeling greatly disappointed and needing to write these sloppy words. 

It’s a pattern with me. First two carnal encounters:  Brilliant!  As if you were giving and offering on clouds. Some might even survive the third or fourth pound……                       Basically, sometimes,  that’s what it feels like.

I begin to see the signs leading to the:

You:  “I’m just going to get us another drink.”

or:

Alter-ego:  “I am going to the bathroom I might take a while…”

preceding the magical disappearance act, 

The forlorn look.

The:

You:   “This is not going to work.“

Alter-ego:  “…but he’s so hot and freaky sexy.”

You:  “Naahh he’s not into me.”

Alter-ego:   “Where did he go just now?” look.

The look that defines your proof of depressed sexual existence and tells you:

You:   “I gotta go. I’m not a cat.”

Alter-ego:   “I want to see how many conquests I can claim”

Boom…

you’re left wondering what happened?

You play the blame game and arrive at the same place. ‘I wish I could play at being  useable. Worthy.’

Then what?

You weren’t being true to either yourself or the other persons involved. 

You are reminded of a therapy session when your therapist spoke to you about checking out emotionally and detaching yourself from the situation while it is happening so as not to be hurt too much by it.  A tactic used by children when they were being abused.  An unfortunate thing that keeps following you through life unless you take care of it.  It becomes second nature and occurs at any time and in any situation. 

Disassociation it is called.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pathological-relationships/201211/dissociation-isnt-life-skill

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art170556.asp. 

The second article hits it on the dot. 

But then, hold on…….

What the FFFF…..CK?

Must I always be going through something? 

Can’t I be the happy go lucky person I used to pretend to be.?

Why is it that when I find a way of dealing with things, my method becomes questionable and has a name?

Is there any clear way out?

Too many canned worms in this joint.

I think I am going to disassociate myself from this epiphany!

I now feel like I have come into my powers like the girls in “Charmed”  They grew up with this  wonderful witchcraft in their lives but did not really learn of it until they were much older,

Democracy-Hipocrisy

September 20th, 2017

Catalan Independence

IMG_8581.png

Tonight I decided to go for an epiphany walk forgetting totally of the major events of the day.  Earlier on in the day’s debut the Spanish government put their foot down on the Catalonian people’s choice of a referendum vote on the question of their independence from the country.

10 pm comes and while I was trying to figure out “Where am I going and what will I find?”  everything you could use to clank and clamor were on their loudest settings thus…

Epiphany was averted.

A few chills went up and down my back. I have lived here for so long and have never felt this kind of feeling. What if this were to happen?  Justice would be paid for some and others would feel cheated as is always the case. The only thing that scares me about this is the lack of democracy used at times to achieve at a goal. Like today.  Hypocrisy is a characteristic of every government it seems.  They preach one thing and practice another. I hope that no one will be hurt.  It felt strangely wonderful to hear the unharmonious sounds tonight.  If felt like all of Barcelona was protesting. From their windows, on their balconies, in the cars, walking, anything and anywhere.  You knew that there was some harmony behind it but there was also a strangely troubling feeling about it all.   There is always a winner as there is always a loser. Let us bow our heads.

Rather let us lift them up this time!

laugh godammit

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of pounds for dinner.
I took out my purse, got out ten pound and asked, “If I give you this
money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago”, the homeless woman told me.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
I said,
“That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.

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love letter 5

Blurred miguel and II start with the memory of you ‘ Protector’ every day and every night. Upon meeting me, your first words to me were that you would ‘always be by my side’. Of course I did not take you seriously. ‘promises, promises!’ More than 10 years later you are always there although sadly what we had is no longer what it used to be. I mourn what we had day and night because the beginning was clear but the ending I can’t recall.

I want to jump to you. blurred kleines requiem 2My ‘Awkward Prince-Functionary’ with the peppy gait and the guitar over his shoulder. You who sang to me in Russian and uplifted my needy soul to levels unattained by mortals. I breathe you every minute and smell you with every breath.
Sadly, I mourn the death of what we had continuously because the beginning was so promising and gooey but the ending I can’t recall.

As I reminisce I am taken to you my ‘Humorous Parody.’ It was my fault to have felt lost In a very strange existence while at the time I was becoming who I am. It was my fault that I gave you far too much power and although your good soul never abused it, my pathetic one did. I still love you. Every day I thank the universe for having allowed me that beautiful time of discovery. I remember the beginning of our acquaintance vividly but honestly the end is very murky.

blurred klienes requiemI am catapulted to a memory that I cannot humanly have as I was too young. I remember wonder, wander, wishing, hoping, empty and emptier. Questions and awe: Who are you? Why aren’t you here? What have I done to be undeserving? How can I let you know that I am sorry for whatever it is that I have done so you can love me and we can have a ‘normal’ life? I had my communion today and everyone came. Everyone except you! As I look outside the gates I see a grand gingerbread like house at the corner and ooh and aah at the thought of who might live there. One day someone told me that it was my ‘Father’ who lived there. I thought how odd! ‘What is that?’
There is where my love story began. But it is all murky. There was no clear beginning nor ending there. In retrospect I now see a pattern. Not only is the obvious apparent but every time I was in a relationship a new and important part of my life started. I thank you all for that. Although………….