Rise above again!

Today I could no longer climb the stairs.  I could not  rise above.  Naturally you end up in a circumstance because of your actions .  I keep blaming myself .   I am crying and then I found something.   It popped up in front of me.   A space!  It was beautiful.  It had a breath fresh/nasty air.  I was able to exhale  for a minute.  The first thing I saw in that space was an elephant done in rainbow colors and I felt I was not alone .   I too love elephants and rainbow colors.   I was not alone. Simple as that. Elevated to a moment of Beauty. A moment of rest. A moment.

Take a look at the space.


Later while on what’sapp:


in actuality, I can safely say that and this is the first time I will acknowledge this.  What happened to me was for the best although I would not wish that on anyone.

Robert Dungey London
listen…shit happens in life…things you can’t change – relationships you wish were different – love you never had…..BUT WE CAN’T LET IT STOP US FROM BECOMING WHAT WE WERE MEANT TO BECOME….AND THAT MY FRIEND….IS FUCKING AMAZING!





Change is good they say.

I have been watching the city of Barcelona now since 1985 and have seen it become what it is today.  Sad and I will say it:  It is becoming yet another dying city.  So what does one do?  Pick your bags up and move on.  There is no time to settle anymore.  The rents are too high, the provisions are too costly to afford, the tension in the city is almost at the point of uncomfortable.  Ugliness is covering most of this beautiful city.  Be it through, nationalism, racism, bad cyclists, AirBnB, crooked politicians, homelessness, blatant racism, blatant ignorance to racism, Independents who teach and brainwash the youth into thinking that separatism is better than love and togetherness,  a police force which apparently was never really cleaned up after the death of the feared dictator, picking and choosing who you are going to be nice to because; well, this person might give you something that you need for a bit, escorts everywhere you turn………

Yesterday, I was on the bike en route to a class and saw so many lovely caucasian people with children of color.  I thought to myself, although we share the same age and I have probably done more in my life than they have, I can never actually have that.

The glass is half empty.  No it is half full.  It might seem to you that my eyes and heart see the negative but I assure you, being here is due the positive that I managed to invent and am still waiting for.

It is only natural that change comes to every place. I remember when NYC went through that particularly change.  When one was able to rent a studio for an affordable price and the day when profit rose above the human race.

Recently I took a long walk through the city and here are some of the things I saw.  Some beautiful, some amazingly beautiful, some very ugly.  I believe that looking at the ugly makes the beautiful more beautiful.  Sometimes the ugly becomes beautiful because of acceptance.  Sometimes we hold in so much of our resistance to acceptance that it festers and becomes a cancer that keeps separating people.  Sometimes we do things that we do nott know that we do and demean people in the most minute way and shake it off as “That’s the way we are, get over it!” but don’t realize that because you are unwilling to embrace change this person who you have just demeaned has added yet another painful load to his or her shelf. This person will one day say “How dare you tell me I don’t belong here?”  “My ancestors made you who you are!”

You won’t see it that way of course because your history books don’t even point out the participation of your ancestors in the deaths of 60 million people.

We never really talk about it because of shame.  Well we need to wake up smell the coffee and talk about the fact that while Western Europe and The Americas were flourishing financially due to the slave trade and murder, the African continent shrunk considerably and could not grow because its inhabitants were being kidnapped, sold, enslaved and murdered for the good of Christian industrial and colonial commerce.  The Mayor of Barcelona has managed to take down the statue of Antonio López y López – Wikipedia and a hell of a lot of worms are about to come out.  The beloved  Eusebi Güell – Wikipedia – Barcelona has a lot to explain.  Apparently textiles was the money making business that helped build such wonders as Park Güell – Wikipedia – BarcelonaAntoni Gaudí – Sagrada Família,  yet a long time in Cuba, then most prosperous of the slave states owned by Spain helped the textile business grow a lot{sarcasm intended} etc…, etc…, etc…

Hate is neither necessary nor warranted here. In fact admiration should take it’s place.  I am not talking about the city of Barcelona alone.  I am talking about the western world and the Americas.  We owe the African so much.  Look back in history people and stop disagreeing.  You can’t imagine how I feel when I see these gratuitous “Inmigrantes Sinpapeles” written everywhere.  The idiot who is writing this has no education what so ever or common sense.  Without the immigrant most of the ivory towers where the rich reside wouldn’t be there.  I would love to see Dumb-Dumb Trump with some overalls on and sitting up there and eating lunch on a beam of a potential skyscraper in NYC.  So high up that one slip and your life is gone.  I hope that my stream of consciousness can be followed in some way.  I have been thinking about this for so long now and could not wait anymore.  The hateful, empty rhetoric aimed at making people feel bad “Sinpapeles”, etc… reminds me that there is still so much work to do.  Everyone has the right to education.  Even the racist.

The following are the pictures I have taken of the city of Barcelona which I see is sadly losing it’s middle class as well.


Screen Shot 2018-04-21 at 11.54.23 PM.png

La Justicia del Reino de Espana, en relación a las personas migrantes funciona como un dispositivo de reciclaje, del orden racista, facista, y colonialista.

En relación a casos de racismo y xenofobia, la justicia instrumentaliza los hechos en función del clima politico del momento.  “Tirantes de banderas españolas.”  Funcionamos como chivos expiatorios.  Somos el circo romano de su crisis de estado.  Así mismo, los medios de comunicacion y la prensa funcionan como una maquinaria que lubrica una opinion publica victimista  autocomplaciente, preciosa, lleno de estereotipos que criminalizan la disidencia y la resistencia.
Tu prejuicio, es nuestra condena.
Diana Marin.
This as lazy as I am is from Bing Translator and not the best translation but the message is loud and clear:
The Justice of the Kingdom of Spain, in relation to migrants, functions as a recycling device, of the racist, fascist, and colonialist order.
With regard to cases of racism and xenophobia, Justice instrumentalizaed the facts according to the political climate of the moment. “Braces of Spanish flags.” We function as scapegoats. We are the Roman circus of your state crisis. Likewise, the media and the press function as a machinery that lubricates a public opinion, self-indulgent, precious, full of stereotypes that criminalize dissent and resistance.
Your prejudice is our condemnation.
Diana Marin.

i am the FREAK!

OK, I am the one who is the freak, I am the one who is the weird and abnormal.  Understood.

This freak is worried about the negativity he sees around town.

It has been months now that I have noticed these “Inmigrante Sinpapeles” written in beautiful font all over the city of Barcelona. It started off in the Raval but now I have noticed everywhere.  How could you just not catch this person?  Now I see “Suicide” written.  Today in a two block radius, I noticed it 3 times.

This is no coincidence and I think that it is the same person.  My issue is that there are a lot of immigrant children going to school in the area, these signs are popping up and not disappearing.  Children are impresionable.  I being one of them.  You cannot have such negativity just in your face and not expect to get something out of it.  This has to be stopped. I am not sure if someone is talking about it but hopefully if you read this you too will scream: “STOP!” as I am doing.  It is way too easy for the people here to ignore something or pass it off as nonsense.  I wouldn’t want it to be too late.  I am all for street art.  I was even inspired to start a website celebrating the amazing street art in this city Barcelona, an open museum but the purpose here is to provoke, evoke, and invoke a negative agenda.

This freak says STOP!!!

Observations which won’t keep me down

What is this thing called LIFE?now moment
This funny thing
Called LIFE
Just who can solve it’s mystery
Why should it make
A fool of me?

Cole Porter.


My life has evolved in the most amazing and unforgiving way.  I ask myself the same questions I asked myself years ago.  I have been looking for work now for the past three years.  Survival work.  Transitional work.  Call it what you will. I call it an unfortunate necessity.   please do not blame it on the economy.  There is a lot at work here and the other countries I have been to.  I have had very little luck though.  I am older now and possibly harder to pinpoint vocationally.  But who gives a flying circus when Micky Dee’s is turning me down as well.
I have to lie about my age  a lot and believe it or not.  Lying is not in my constitution. I realize something though.  They encourage you to lie in these job interviews. I was told to be myself and allow my true feelings to show.  Being from the arts I thought that was a normal thing to hear but, as my friend Eddie Buggie so charmingly told me once.  “Keep your mouth shut”. You give me the liberty to ramble and I am Joan Rivers on a bad day.
Not a good thing!
You live and learn!  I have had 5 different interviews in the last 3 weeks and 2 of them took as long as 5 hours. I thought to myself: Nowadays not even a dance audition last so long.  What is this:  “A Chorus Line?”  Please explain to me why does one need to have NASA skills for a tele -operating job?  These people don’t realize that I used to hire as well and the very obvious dropping of a pen to tell your partner that this isn’t a good candidate, is not going to get you an Oscar.  In fact you can be sure that the envelope will say “Meryl Streep” again.
I have also noticed something interesting. A recurring thing during these last interviews.   At one point during the achingly unnecessary process, one of committee gets a little smirk on her or his mouth.  At which point I too smile because I know that smirk.  The smirk of “I got you!  You need me right now.”  It’s funny isn’t it?  Most of these people I have never met me before but due to some unresolved issue with their past they are allowing themselves to use me as their emotional punching bag.  Maybe I am come off too haughty in these situations.  Damn it I wish the universe hadn’t made me the way I am.  Although I was not born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I was born with a tiara.    What they don’t know is.  No matter how bad things get, I will always have the counter smile on my face that says.  “You ain’t nobody!!  You wasn’t nobody yesterday and you still ain’t nobody.”  But of course my years in the theater mask my  bad grammar. The last 5 , I lost out.  Add that to the  100s before.  I did not need to wait the weekend or even the next week.  Worse yet, no contact at all, to know that I did not get job.  The smirk told me.  I have to say I thank Steven Galloway for that lesson.  I will stop there otherwise my observations will go too far.
Writing this makes me feel better.  I know that it is scathing but I am allowed.  I am 25 years old now.

My Body-My Experience

 Sometimes it takes a total stranger to show you what has been in front of you all the time or even what used to be. I have been living this out of body experience for the last few years. I have been looking and asking:  Who is this? Or rather: Who was that person?

Again, who the heck is that intensely stressed out  performing artist?  That person who woke up early in the morning to dedicate his whole day to that night’s performance.   His existence was dedicated to the art of his choice. That person who was running away from something but wasn’t quite sure what from.

Well this out of body episode has possibly come to an end today.

I had to look back into the past and dug up some experiences which left me pensive and almost in tears.   I have had a rich and amazing life and will continue to do so.  I have to say it was good to go in the past and see the wonders that I have done or been privy to.  I saved a life once!…..

Back then I was blasé about it.  I saved a man’s life once.   At the aftermath  I didn’t think much of it because you know, “The hustle keeps the bustle going and if you stopped at any time from performing either you were 10 steps behind.”   But, now I see the purpose of this life which was carefully and preciously enthroned  to me. That being said, I have to remember that no matter how hateful things get, or how awful people are.  I have had an amazing life. I have had an amazing life and no one, absolutely no one can take that away from me.

The Slave Trade/El comercio de esclavos

This is definitely something we should be talking about but do not mention.  There are reparations to be dealt and sincere apologies to be said but no.  America, Spain, and the place I now call home played a huge part in the slave trade.  A crime that separated people, killed 60 million Africans, and on and on and on.  I get saddened, slow and cry as I think of all of this.  I cannot do any of those deaths justice but I think that Barcelona can.

I applaud the Catalonians in taking away the statue I have been looking at for more than 16 years of Antonio Lopez i Lopez.  A notorious trafficker  who although made millions killing and separating human beings was given a legacy of being appointed the first Marquis of Comillas. A small town in the Cantabria region of northern Spain.  He was also given the honor of a  prominent statue of himself erected in the square bearing his name in the city of Barcelona where the trade boomed and made a lot of poor Catalans rich.

Screen Shot 2018-03-31 at 7.47.35 PMIt is an ugly history and they just want to brush over it like it never happened.  When I think of the way Africans are treated now with such hatred and haughtiness, myself included.  When I think of the times I have been stopped by the police. When I think of the time I was arrested and put in jail.  Spain has a lot of healing to do.   Not just Catalonia which is the most prosperous part of the country but all of the country and the healing starts with a sincere apology.  “The slave trade boomed in the 19th century. Many people left Spain and Catalonia as paupers and returned years later from colonies like Cuba as millionaires, but the city’s elite sneered and nicknamed them los indianos. They spent big on mansions and married into respectable bourgeois Catalan families suffering from cash flow problems.”   So it would be safe to say the . wealth displayed by these people was built on the blood of many Africans.    Isn’t that ironic.  Nowadays I keep running into these writings on the walls saying “Sinpapeles”.

Güell, the most revered Catalan made his fortune in Cuba.  Somehow, the proper documentation as to how he got his fortune is not available but the notorious Antonio López i López’s documents show of his cruelty and mishandling of human life to arrive at being a marquis and having a statue erected in his honor.   I wonder how many relatives he has who are still alive and living off of this wealth.   I will stop there because I can go on and get too emotional.   I will however add some interesting articles explaining the history of Spain’s part in the . slave trade and more.

I write this entry because I am proud of Barcelona’s mayor for finally saying:  “Face yourselves people.”  Thanks to her Barcelona can begin to look at a part of its history that is taking second chair to Catalan nationalism.   I looked online searching for  monuments to the African Slave.  The first one that popped up was this one:

Screen Shot 2018-03-31 at 8.12.20 PM

Haiti being the poorest country in the Americas was the first apparently to have erected this beautiful statue.  It looks like dance.  Haiti is a story in itself.  It was the first country to abolish slavery.{Haitian Revolution (1791-1804).  One has to cock one’s head when looking at Haiti’s history.   It is now “The poorest country in the Americas.”  I wonder which powers made sure to keep Haiti at that level of poverty after such an incredible and historical victory over human trafficking.  There are many monuments to the African slave all over the world but so far I have counted 4 in Europe:




Spain is a big country when you think of its size and population in relation to the rest of Europe.  It has a rich culture but had acquired more cultural diversity and wealth through its dealings in colonialism.  Most of which was done on the backs of the African slaves whose contribution somehow seems lost in the air.  Catalonia is a rich and beautiful region.  Beauty comes from great humility.  Catalonia is now in pain.  I see it almost every day.  How about we begin to heal by righting the wrongs of the past.  Not just for the wish of separation but in allowing  yourself to be forgiven for the awful things you have done to a people who did not ask for anything.  The square of which the statue of López i López used to be should be dedicated to the 60 million killed for the advancement of  world.   There I said it.  Blasphemy!

Being who I am I decided to make a few options for the Generalitat or the Ayuntamiento to have as monuments to the African slave because again, I don’t really know of one in Spain . Catalonia should be a leader here as they have already taken the first step towards healing.  By the way:  “How could Spain not have a monument to the African Slave?”  It is the closest country to Africa.  Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Dominican Republic, Ecuador, El SalvadorEquatorial Guinea, Guatemala, Honduras, Mexico, Nicaragua, Panama, Paraguay, Peru ,Uruguay, and Venezuela. are all colonies built by the slaves whilst in fear behind the guns and swords of the Spanish.  How could you not embrace your past?  It is who you are.  Africa is in Spain in more ways than they would like to acknowledge.  As I said it is time to start healing.  Especially now that there is such hatred resurfacing.  Unfortunately this hatred was always there just dressed in sheep’s clothing.

Here are my options.  I am still working on them and mind you they are no great works of art.  I am not Gaudi! A brilliant mathematician and architect.  He had to be to come up with the Segrada Familia.




Here you have a mixture of the pictures of the podium which I took.  The podium free of Lopez i Lopez.  There are many pictures which I downloaded from the internet of slave women with the white babies they had to breast feed,  A slave whose back looked like a railroad track after torture/punishment, A statue of a slave with chains and collar around his neck, a picture of an African man and his child, a picture of a slave man and his child, the list goes on and my collages are just to say thank you for acknowledging  the fact that 60 million Africans were killed unnecessarily.  The pictures are public domain and if I did something to insult anyone please forgive me.  La Morenita which I myself am offended by because, why would you have a statue of your patron saint with her butt out defecating?  Something about it is proper as it is a custom here to make these statues of defecation.  The two pictures of me on the ground trying to get up there is a reminder for me of President Obama’s presidential race.  Mind you he wouldn’t be in the nude.  Poetic license.

To end here are some amazing website I ran into.  African slave monuments, history of Lopez i Lopez. etc…..:





Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people will not feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Marianne Williamson

Forgive me for carelessly putting this internet Spanish translation.  I could have taken the time to look through it but wanted to get it out.

El comercio de esclavos

Esto es definitivamente algo de lo que deberíamos hablar pero no mencionar.  Hay reparaciones que se deben repartir y disculpas sinceras que se digan, pero no.  América, España, y el lugar que ahora llamo hogar jugó un papel importante en el comercio de esclavos.  Un crimen que separa a la gente, mata a 60 millones africanos, y sigue y sigue.  Me entristece, lento y lloro como pienso en todo esto.  No puedo hacer ninguna de esas muertes justicia pero creo que Barcelona puede.

Aplaudo a los catalanes en la toma de la estatua que he estado buscando durante más de 16 años de Antonio López i López.  Un notorio traficante que, aunque hizo que millones de personas mataran y separaran a los seres humanos, se le dio el legado de ser nombrado el primer Marqués de Comillas. Un pequeño pueblo en la región cantábrica del norte de España.  También se le dio el honor de una prominente estatua de sí mismo erigida en la plaza que llevaba su nombre en la ciudad de Barcelona donde el comercio retumbó e hizo ricos a muchos catalanes pobres.

Es una historia fea y sólo quieren cepillarse como si nunca hubiera sucedido.  Cuando pienso en la forma en que los africanos son tratados ahora con tal odio y soberbia, yo incluido.  Cuando pienso en las veces que he sido detenido por la policía. Cuando pienso en el momento en que fui arrestado y puesto en la cárcel.  España tiene mucho que curar.   No sólo Cataluña, que es la parte más próspera del país, pero todo el país y la curación comienza con una sincera disculpa.   “el comercio de esclavos floreció en el siglo 19. Mucha gente dejó España y Cataluña como indigentes y regresó años más tarde de colonias como Cuba como millonarios, pero la élite de la ciudad se burló de ellos y les apodaron los indios. Pasaron grandes mansiones y se casaron con familias burguesas respetables que sufrieron problemas de liquidez.  “así que sería seguro decir. la riqueza mostrada por estas personas fue construida sobre la sangre de muchos africanos.    Eso no es irónico.  Hoy en día sigo corriendo en estos escritos en las paredes diciendo   “sinpapeles “.

Güell, el catalán más venerado hizo su fortuna en Cuba.  De alguna manera, la documentación adecuada en cuanto a cómo obtuvo su fortuna no está disponible, pero el notorio Antonio López i López documentos muestran de su crueldad y mal manejo de la vida humana para llegar a ser un Marqués y tener una estatua erigida en su honor.   Me pregunto cuántos parientes tiene que todavía están vivos y viviendo de esta riqueza.   Voy a parar allí porque puedo seguir y me emociono demasiado.   Sin embargo, voy a añadir algunos artículos interesantes que explican la historia de la parte de España en el. Comercio de esclavos y más.

Escribo esta entrada porque estoy orgullosa del alcalde de Barcelona por decir: “Enfréntate a la gente. ” gracias a ella Barcelona puede empezar a mirar una parte de su historia que está tomando la segunda presidencia del nacionalismo catalán.   Busqué en línea buscando monumentos para el esclavo africano.  El primero que apareció fue éste:

Siendo Haití el país más pobre de las Américas fue el primero que aparentemente ha erigido esta hermosa estatua.  Parece un baile.  Haití es una historia en sí misma.  Fue el primer país en abolir la esclavitud. {Revolución Haitiana (1791-1804).  Uno tiene que amartillar la cabeza cuando se mira la historia de Haití.   Es ahora  “el país más pobre de las Américas. ” me pregunto qué poderes se aseguró de mantener a Haití en ese nivel de pobreza después de una victoria tan increíble e histórica sobre la trata de personas.  Hay muchos monumentos al esclavo africano en todo el mundo, pero hasta ahora he contado 4 en Europa:

España es un país grande cuando se piensa en su tamaño y población en relación con el resto de Europa.  Tiene una cultura rica pero ha adquirido más diversidad cultural y riqueza a través de sus tratos en el colonialismo.  La mayoría de los cuales se hizo en las espaldas de los esclavos africanos cuya contribución parece de alguna manera perdido en el aire.  Cataluña es una región rica y hermosa.  La belleza viene de una gran humildad.  Ahora Cataluña está sufriendo.  Lo veo casi todos los días.  ¿Qué tal si empezamos a sanar los males del pasado?  No sólo por el deseo de separación sino por permitirte ser perdonado por las cosas terribles que has hecho a un pueblo que no pidió nada.  La Plaza de la cual solía ser la estatua de López i López debería dedicarse a los 60 millones asesinados por el avance del mundo.   Ahí lo dije.  Blasfemia!

Siendo quien soy decidí hacer unas cuantas opciones para que la Generalitat o el Ayuntamiento tuvieran como monumentos al esclavo africano porque de nuevo, no conozco a nadie en España. Cataluña debe ser un líder aquí ya que ya han dado el primer paso hacia la curación.  Por cierto:  “¿Cómo podría España no tener un monumento al esclavo africano? ” es el país más cercano a África.  Argentina, Bolivia, Chile, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, República Dominicana, Ecuador, el Salvador, Guinea Ecuatorial, Guatemala, Honduras, México, Nicaragua, Panamá, Paraguay, Perú, Uruguay y Venezuela. son todas las colonias construidas por los esclavos, mientras que en el miedo detrás de las armas y espadas de los españoles.  ¿Cómo no pudiste abrazar tu pasado?  Es lo que eres.  África está en España en más formas de las que les gustaría reconocer.  Como dije es hora de empezar a curar.  Sobre todo ahora que hay tal odio resurgiendo.  Desafortunadamente este odio siempre estaba allí vestido con ropa de oveja.

Aquí están mis opciones. Todavía estoy trabajando en ellos y la mente que no son grandes obras de arte. ¡ Yo no soy Gaudí! Un brillante matemático y arquitecto. Tuvo que venir con la Familia segrada.

Aquí tenéis una mezcla de las fotos del podio que tomé. El podio libre de Lopez i Lopez. Hay muchas fotos que he descargado de Internet de las mujeres esclavas con los bebés blancos que tenían que amamantar, un esclavo cuya espalda parecía una pista de ferrocarril después de la tortura/el castigo, una estatua de un esclavo con cadenas y collar alrededor de su cuello , una imagen de un hombre africano y su hijo, una imagen de un esclavo y su hijo, la lista sigue y mis collages son sólo para decir gracias por reconocer el hecho de que 60 millones africanos fueron asesinados innecesariamente. Las fotos son de dominio publico y si hice algo para insultar a alguien por favor perdóname. La Morenita que me ofende porque, ¿por qué tendrías una estatua de tu santo patrón con su trasero defecando? Algo al respecto es apropiado, ya que es una costumbre aquí para hacer estas estatuas de la defecación. Las dos fotos de mí en el suelo tratando de llegar hasta allí es un recordatorio para mí de la carrera presidencial del Presidente Obama. Te importa que no estaría desnudo. Licencia poética.

Para terminar aquí hay un sitio web increíble que me encontré. Monumentos esclavos africanos, historia de Lopez i Lopez. etc…..:





Nuestro más profundo temor no es que somos inadecuados. Nuestro más profundo temor es que somos poderosos sin medida. Es nuestra luz, no nuestra oscuridad la que más nos asusta. Nos preguntamos, ¿quién soy yo para ser brillante, magnífico, talentoso y fabuloso? En realidad, ¿quién eres tú para no serlo? Eres un hijo de Dios. Tu juego pequeño no sirve al mundo. No hay nada iluminado acerca de la reducción para que otras personas no se sientan inseguros a su alrededor. Todos estamos destinados a brillar, como hacen los niños. Nacimos para hacer manifiesta la gloria de Dios que está dentro de nosotros. No es sólo en algunos de nosotros; es en todos y mientras dejamos que nuestra propia luz brille, inconscientemente damos a otros permiso para hacer lo mismo. A medida que nos liberamos de nuestro propio miedo, nuestra presencia libera automáticamente a los demás.

Marianne Williamson

INSIDE magazine NDT

I was looking through the few things that I do owe and ran into a copy of Inside magazine and a photo book.  Both I would like to share on this blog as they both changed my life.  Inside magazine was started by myself and Ulrike Lytton, an ex Aussie colleague in my dancing days. We both were depressed and harboring terrible injuries and wanted to keep ourselves busy so we decided to launch “INSIDE” magazine.  A magazine to give an inside look into the company.  The company being the Netherlands Dance Theater.  It was basically for the people in the theater and we wanted to be involved with what was happening around us and not get too depressed by our injuries.  At that time Schedelhoekshaven was buzzing with three companies.  There was the main company which we were a part of, the second company was mostly downstairs with Gerald Tibbs and Hedda working on their magic as they had just come back from a successful tour in the Antilles and NDT 3 was at the beginning of its existence.  I remember there was a rare occasion where the worlds most amazing choreographers at the time found themselves in the building at the same time and wanted to have a picture of them as our centerfold.  Joris Jan-Bos was just beginning his career as well as the company photographer and I remember the session distinctly.  They were all five very chatty and somehow nervous but Joris managed to take this amazing picture of all 5 of them with their heads stacked up on top of each other.  The center fold was entitled:  Creme de la Creme! Kylian, Ek, Van Manen, Forsythe and Duato.Screen Shot 2018-03-01 at 3.27.43 AM.png

I think this accidental picture was used a lot in the end.  Uli and I worked day and night to try to put this magazine together.  We had the wonderful help of MA whiteside and her husband Arno.  We had Fiona Lummis draw some cartoons. She was very good at that.  We had an advice column, we had an injury page on how to treat specific injuries.  Since NDT 3 was the craze at the time we did specific interviews with the 4 starring dancers. Uli took 2 and I took the other two.  Now I remember, it was the very beginning of NDT 3 because Alida Chase was there. I interviewed her and Gerard Lemaitre while Uli took Niklas Ek and Sabine Kupferberg.  Martin Corri made a wonderul crossword for us.  I have included some parts of the magazine and if you want to see the whole thing I can post it as well.  There was one article that I did myself called “Bitch and Let Bitch”.  We had just gone through a season of “Kaguyahime” and there was a certain journalist named Christine Daft{I cannot remember if we made that name up or if that was her real name} but she wrote the most scathing things about us for our “Friends of NDT magazine” That one was official.  She was so taken aback by the fact that women sweat.  Really!!!!!!!  We dance the whole day, Baiaitchhchchchch!!!!!!  Anyway, I imitated her and did an article on the dancers of the company.

I read through most of the magazine the other day and honestly it was entertaining.  Simple but entertaining.  I hope that you like it.  It was all done on the cheap so no glossies.   Here are some excerpts:

Cover page:IMG_0182.png

the advice column:  Dear Ginette




Here is the article “Bitch and Let Bitch”



Lastly here is a wonderful drawing Fiona did of Olga Evreinoff. One of our guest teachers who was quite awesome in the studio.IMG_0178.png

The link below was not at all a part of our magazine. It is something I ran into online while searching for the proper spelling of Olga’s name. It is an official interview of her for the Royal Ballet.  I thought it would be funny to add it so that you can see how to actually do the thing right.  Uli and I were really trying to keep ourselves from going crazy.Olga Evreinoff Guest Teacher Royal Ballet .   

Unfortunately the magazine only lasted 2 issues.  In a way I have to say “Thank God” . What a hell of a lot of work.  Our injuries were no longer so we had time to get back to our proper jobs.  I miss you Uli.  Love Jean.

One more of Fiona’s cartoons.



A few strange thoughts came into my mind. Yesterday was International woman’s day and there were thousands and thousands of women protesting in the middle of the city and I’m sure, all of the world.{The Radical Reason Why March 8 Is International Women’s Day: http://time.com/5187268/international-womens-day-history/}

We have had the Million Man March and we all know the importance of that movement{Economic and social factors of the Million Man March:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Million_Man_March#Economic_and_social_factors}. I am sure you don’t want me to go on with a list of human beings rightfully asking for equality and their rights restored. We would be here forever.
The thought was this or rather the questions were:
Who are we protesting to?
Who is it that we want to direct our anger towards?
When is the Million Caucasian Man March?
I took a picture once of a beautiful wall in Soho New York. The wall was done by a great graffiti artists. I believe his name was Hektad.  I cannot remember most of the contents of the wall but do remember that it was in protest against the wrong doings of the powerful Donald Trumps of the world.  On the wall was a picture of DumbDumb Trump himself. I was a little surprised to see a picture of Marilyn Monroe as well.  I wondered why?  This was pre presidential elections.  A woman came out with allegations that the then campaigning Trump had touched her in the wrong way.  I mean only disrespect to our current president and to no one else. Why are we protesting? It seems like we protest and the day after our rights are diminished and new ways of keeping us down are invented by the DumbDumbs of this world.  HELP!!
I have to gather my thoughts on this. In no way do I mean to insult anyone or their race, religion, or whatever it is that hinders them because at the end of the day we all suffer from a hindrance that was once greatly feared by the powers that be.  A hindrance that was once a great power.   Some hide it better than others.
Getting back to that picture of Marilyn Monroe on the wall in soho. You would think America’s sweetheart/sex goddess would have been respected more but looking into her life she was so damaged by those who wanted a piece of her.  Those too rich to care about others, those too twisted to realize that if you damage a young child you damage their whole existence.{https://thoughtcatalog.com/m-j-pack/2015/05/6-tragic-things-you-didnt-know-about-marilyn-monroe/}
She was too early for her time. They used her and left her to suffer the consequences of the trauma. Apparently this happened since her childhood. the poor thing went back and forth from orphanages to foster parents and a mother suffering from mental illness. Back then There was no small relief from therapy. There was more confusion. Pills, which were not very heavily regulated as they are now, Lobotomies, suicide and a few more awful things to keep one running away.    Imagine, if that happened to Norma Jeanie Baker a beautiful and intelligent Caucasian woman.  If I remember from my therapist telling me:  The caucasian woman was at the top of the human hierarchy.{https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_class_in_the_United_States}.  What were the circumstances for someone at a much lower level?   Ask yourself.  Who are we protesting to or who do we want to listen to our voices and allow us an inch more of equality?  Ask yourself who is it that really needs the therapy? Who is it that needs to  talk and work through their issues so that they will stop using their pockets to inflict  pain, psychological or otherwise, upon others to make themselves feel falsely better?  Who????????
Incredible pictures of women protesting:


As everyone knows I seem to always run into what is sad and depressing.  These racist posts in the Raval and the Poble Sec pointing at illegal immigrants.  They are simple but all over

the place and very noticeable. I am disturbed as I am not sure why we have gone this way with our lives.  Trump as a joke president, Brexit, Nationalism beyond belief everywhere.  I thought we had entered the age of Aquarius where we embrace each other and continue.  Obviously the person/persons carrying on this graffiti crime is/are stupid.  It has been proven over and over again that immigrants help the economy.  I myself being a perpetual immigrant cannot see this hate anymore.  Where are the police?  Why isn’t this person arrested?  Funny they always seem to be around when I am walking the streets but to catch a person who has time to elaborately write hate is too hard for them.  I had to take a break from my anger and decided to do so by selfishly treating myself to Tank and the Banga’s song “Rollercoaster”.  I know that it is not a remedy but I did not want to think of the ugliness around me and went tripping on their rollercoaster.  Tank and the Bangas – “Rollercoasters” (Recorded Live for World Cafe)

February 15!

Flowers, Chocolate, Kisses, Love, Compliments and Art

should be an everyday thing!

Not just for some but for everyone.

Trinidad and tobago carnival costume
Bird angel costume from carnival in Trinidad and Tobago


The gallery pictures are mine as well as the kiss but the others I acquired off of the internet.  They are public domain pictures and someone sent me the carnival picture.