I love and hate

It’s been months now that I have had no contact with him and it hurst like real pain. This is something I should have gone through years ago as it has been since 2004 since we have had not had sexual relations

but there was always something.  I kept telling myself to be careful of depending on him too much because he will up and leave you but I remembered those sweet words. Which kept me so calm at night and so wild at the same time.  Those words any child wants to hear from a parent or a lover from another: “I will protect you for as long as I live”.  How can anyone say something like that to another?Such false promises and he kept repeating it.  I grew to believe it.  He could not handle the fact that I was not well and had demons to fight.  He didn’t think that I could be so vulnerable.  He saw a star of the stage.  Someone who the people of his town were extolling during bows at the opera house of his town.  He never saw the baby that was crying inside because he was never allowed to cry. I remember that when I told him that something had come out of therapy about who it was who had molested me as a child and his answer shocked me.  “I don’t know what to say to something like that”. That was neither comforting nor negative.  I felt that it was dismissive.  Like most of the things in our relationship dismissed.  Every time I said that I was depressed:  “Get over it.  It’s nothing.  You’ll be fine.”  Dismissed.  Maybe that was what the problem was. I unfortunately gave him too much power and allowed myself to think that he ws my knight in shining armor although again, its been more than 10 years since we have had any sexual relations.  After our estranged break up, I felt like he was always trying to keep me interested in him and I kept running away.  I guess he got tired of the running and said a “Fuck off” by sneakingly taking his keys away from me.  I try every day to hate him more than I already do but cannot.  I love who I love and cannot un-love them.  Yet I am so angry.  Why have I always spent Xmas alone while he made it point to go to his family and not invite me?  It was my fault.  I am always and forever naive and believe that there is love.  The kind of love that I believe in is only on TV because that is how I have seen it exhibited as a child.  So my warped idea of love is just that: warped.  I wish that I had never gone down this road.  No regrets.

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I met someone. 

Tryptech reflected me and my shadows‘Excuse me do you speak English?’ I heard from my left with a sing song lilt and some exotic African accent. Turning around to the person asking I found out I was right. I asked: 

‘Yeah what do you want?’

Keep Walking. Just another freak in the parade. 

‘Do you know where the bus station is? ‘

OK stop. ‘There are two bus stations but I suppose you want the closest. This is Pau Claris street. You know if you walk straight down. Just keep going. It’s a long walk. You’ll eventually run into it’. 

Something made me ask: ‘why do you need the bus station?’

‘I figure I could sleep there’ i looked further into his eyes. 17-18 years maybe. Extremely dirty but soft eyes. 

‘Oh, you know I’m like you in a way.’  

‘What?’ A look of bewilderment. 

‘I have nowhere to go as well’

A small Tyra Banks smize showed up on his face:

‘You know I don’t know anyone here.’  

‘Listen if you can’t sleep in the station then there is a park in the around it. There are lots of people there.’

Wait a minute I thought to myself. That’s not good advice. He has so little they’ll steal that from him. 

As I prepared to walk the 40 minute walk with him to the bus station I thought: this is not me. I cannot take this person’s path. It is his to follow. ‘I hope that you get there. Have to run. Take care.’

Insult to Injury

After being dumped, which in the end did hurt, I started speaking online to someone I always speak to.  I mean chat.  Anyway, as I said, I feeling hurt because I felt dumped like a bowel movement.  I did not tell him the reason I felt hurt but did tell him that I was feeling somewhat melancholic.

 

insult to injury conversation

I could just say “Whatever!!!!” but I wont.